Hold On, Universe.

Have you ever wondered what would it be like if parallel universes were real? 

And if they were, what if we could access them through portals. You would get access to those portals only when you're 20 years of age and when you're mentally stable to see what lies behind those doors of mystery. And when you open those doors, ahead lies a universe that is exactly the opposite of what you live in right now. 

Would you open the door then?

A few blocks ahead of my apartment, party music blasted with all its chest. I could not focus on one thing straight without having to decide between using my room as a dance floor and giving my dressing table one dazzling performance or plugging in my earphones, pulling my brain into biochemistry, and fitting those structural hexagons in my brain shelves and pretend to not be a born singer.

I wanted to become a doctor, a surgeon, to be honest, a cardiothoracic surgeon to be very honest, but I could never decipher how the structural formula of propane butanol could revive someone's heart. I sighed as I looked outside the fogged window, I could see the dance floor and its lights spreading all over the sky. Parties seemed like the most alive thing to do right now but you know what this lockdown made me? A selectively social Homosapien.

I don't do parties. Neither have I ever snuck out. As a medical student, there are a lot of things to compromise. One of them being, your right to enjoy because the very next day might be an exam you didn't know about. 'I'm tired of this.' I thought to myself and shut the book, then shoving it under the pillow so it isn't in my sight anymore.

What if I wasn't a medical student? I would have been dancing on that floor. This is when a thought traveled all the way up. What if I could switch to a parallel universe of my choice and live the moment in that universe. Then switch right back to the original universe and this way spend the best times of my life in the places I really want to be at. Just then, another thought bubbled.

What if you had just one choice? You were offered the type of universe where everything was perfect but you had to give up one thing that was most prized to you in this universe. Would you want to open the door to that portal then?

I looked at myself in the mirror. A loose t-shirt hanging over my shoulders, glasses, hair up in a messy bun, and a few extra pounds. Nothing in me looked perfect or near to that. A pang of guilt flooded through me. Nothing about my studies was remarkable, nothing I could boast my heart about.

I want to flourish in impeccable ways yet everything in this moment looks so unapologetically diminishing. Not wanting to see myself in the mirror anymore, I turned around to hop on my bed and unlock my laptop; my desktop wallpaper flashed in front of me in full brightness. It read,

'Remember why you started.'

My eyes immediately averted to the peeking corner of my biochemistry book from under that pillow that I had attempted to hide away. 

Why have I started? One of my core memories ran like a short film in front of me where I remember being in a hospital because of my father's terminal illness, he had a heart sarcoma. The doctors said they did everything in their might but we fell unfortunate. At that very moment I said, "If I was a heart doctor, I would have been able to revive him. I would have saved him." I was just twelve, but I remember the strength and belief those words gave my mother. This is why I started. So no one else falls unfortunate. So I could raise my head proudly and tell families that I saved one of their people.

The party music still echoed but my motives reflected louder. I picked myself up and stood in front of the mirror again. Now, the girl that looked back at me had her eyes stronger than ever. I could see the determination in them. Willingness to not be among those people on that dance floor, but among those flying colors that kept brushing the skies. Among nothing to hold back.

I don't know if the theory of parallel universes lies true, but one thing I know is, that I have to pull my biochemistry book from under the pillow. I cannot give up, not when I made it this far. If tomorrow, a portal did sit in front of me and asked me to open the doors to a universe where everything was perfect, I would open my eyes and wake myself up from that lie.

Nothing in this universe, or in any universe to say, has ever been or will ever be unblemished. The scars of the skies are the stars of the earth. In the same way, the warmth of our planet might be the carnage of the other. The essence is, the portal leading me to that "flawless world" is a trap into me letting go of my most prized possession. My promises. Therefore, hold on a little, universe. Let me live the desires I planned for this life.

I smiled and asked myself that question again,

Would you open the door then? I won't. I would rather open my biochemistry book and keep fuelling the dreams of this universe. I have aspirations to achieve, fantasies to fulfill, and smiles to engrave. Giving up all these blisses for a universe that doesn't exist? I remembered why I started. Do you remember your promises? 

Let me frame that again, 

would you open that door?